Let’s start at the very beginning….

Hi. This all seems very odd…

I’ve seen posts like this in films, documentaries, Pinterest etc. and thought “dear god! I really don’t care”. “who want’s to know about your day to day stuff!?!”…….

but here I am! 48 years old. Wife to a hero. Mother to 2 gladiators. Cancer survivor. Unsure about my future. Realising that I was brought up in an era where facing your feelings was an absolute no no.

BUT….. if this past year has taught me anything, it is that I do have feelings, I do matter, I need to change, and I might just be starting to like myself a little bit…. not a lot yet, but more than before, so that’s good isn’t it?

I’m a Taurus. I didn’t think that was important before, but I now think it really is. I have been reading random FB posts from those support groups of star signs. Dear god, I’m so predictable! I’m stubborn, forceful, generally truthful, and painfully so sometimes, and I am caring, loyal and devoted to those I love. Just don’t cross me, don’t lie to me and DO NOT HURT ME. There’s no going back for me once that happens. I think knowing it is a Taurus trait has slightly vilified my seeming inability to change. I’m not sure if that’s good or not?

Also, I am now 233 days sober. I am sure that we are all bored to tears with people affirming their sobriety now. It would seem that my timing is predictable 😂. However, it has been a long time coming and not a moment too soon. I fucked up badly! No excuses. Lots of reasons, but no excuses. But my family are incredible! beyond incredible! They make the ubiquitous struggle manageable. I’m even getting a bit if a buzz from seeing them through clear eyes. Who knew, eh?

I am, in reality, a musician. I was certainly a very talented musician at one point. I played piano, cello, percussion, and brass. I was a music scholar at School and then when on to study at the Royal Northern College of Music and Salford University. I played in orchestras and brass bands, and sang in choirs. But fucked that up too. I gave up playing when I was 21. Walked away. unable to face it. What the fuck was that? (I’m definitely seeing a pattern emerging…) But thankfully, I have picked it back up again. 6 years ago my dad died. I had looked after him for the last two years. Maybe I’ll talk about that one day…. but not yet. But it did leave me in a state after he went. My doctor suggested that I take up a hobby. And as if by magic, an advert popped up on FB for a local choir. Absolutely the best thing to have happened at that time. I hadn’t sung in virtually 22 years. The old voice was…..shaky, but that feeling I got in that first rehearsal was intoxicating! I had forgotten what it felt like!

Since then, I have got back into my piano, and I am arranging songs for choir to perform and have even composed a couple of originals. They’re not bad either!

My day job? I run a holiday park in Cornwall with my husband and family. It is a great business. I’ve been here since I was 22.My husband’s family started it nearly 50 years ago. It has done us proud and is very successful. That said, the older I get, the less I am able to convincingly wear a read coat and don the smile on a constant basis. I find myself hiding in the office rather than do the PR. It’s exhausting and now I can’t rely on my vodka to get me through, I am terrified of how I am going to go this year.

So now I need to work out what I am doing this for. I know it’s just for me. It’s to help my stupid brain behave properly – hopefully. I hope I don’t offend anyone in the process, but my track record isn’t great on that front either so we’ll see. I think I will see how it goes.

It feels like a good place to start though. Am I right?