a little control or a lot?

“Anger is just anger. It isn’t good. It isn’t bad. It just is.What you do with it is what matters. It’s like anything else. You can use it to build or destroy. You just have to make the choice.” Jim Butcher

I found this quote this morning whilst doing my daily sobriety pledge. I’ve been trying to “think better” lately – a bit of “you are what you eat” but “you are what you think” instead.

Since early childhood, I’ve always had a mouth that has gotten me into trouble. For as long as I can remember, I had instinctively said what I thought. I couldn’t understand why everyone else wasn’t saying what I was thinking, because I thought they were thinking it too. And more annoyingly, I was generally and mostly absolutely right.

I have since found out, probably in my early 20’s, that I have a faulty filter. Well, not faulty, I suppose, just weak!!! I have also since found out that the many voices in my head are not the kindest of voices either – either about me or about others! They are all very opinionated and fight for supremacy all the time. Stopping them for gaining validity by voicing them is a constant issue!

To go back to the quote, is anger just anger? Is it something we have or something we do? Can it be turned on and off like a light switch, or is it kept back inside by a dam to be released on request? Can you control the amount of anger that is unleashed?

I certainly find this a constant issue. I found that this was one of my reasons for hitting the booze. I would have to suppress my anger for the sake of others as although I felt this anger towards someone or something, it was very prevalent that I didn’t want to hurt anyone, and I had learned that although I am generally right, it is not deemed helpful to point this out! By turning to a swift vodka, I found that the dragon was tamed and the anger was depleted. Instead of the intense burn and ripping pain I would feel by repressing my feelings and opinions, I could move on.

Now, the medicine is no longer available as the ability to block things out became too attractive. So now I have a mission to learn how to control the beast. Do I need a little control or a lot?

I look at other people who are naturally kind and wonder if I would like to be like that. I often wonder how nice it would be to just float through life without hearing my many opinions pop up at the most infuriating times and during the most awkward situations. If I was like this, would I still be able to find the intense heavenly captivity found in a piece of music, or the heart ripping profanity of a piece of art if my go to default is “kind”?

By learning to control my anger, will this give me a lighter feel of being, or will it dilute my soul into an insipid watercolour study of beige? At this point, I feel like a coward. Of course I should learn to control it. It’s not like I’m violent! I just get really shouty, truthful, and then it turns into self loathing! WTF is that about??? Why when I say what I actually believe, when I am faced with a liar, cheat, manipulator, whatever, do I then fall down the ladder of self deprecation? I find that annoying in itself!

And so, I find myself seeking out positive daily affirmations to try to subliminally train my ridiculous brain to be less of a animated dynamite stick with a taped on alarm clock from the Road Runner cartoon, and more of an idyllic trip with Moana on her ship of discovery.

I’m not sure how successful it is at the minute but I’m trying. Can this old dog learn new tricks?