You might as well ask me to fly to the moon in a shopping trolley! Why do I find this so difficult?
In my head, I know this is what is best practice. It’s logical. Practical even!
So why can’t I do this? I’m like a squirrel in October gathering feelings to hold onto throughout the long winter – just in case!
It’s like I have created a system, if not a maize, to keep these pesky feelings from leaving.
- I have a preliminary pondering of how I might feel before something happens
- then anxiety hits knowing that something will happen
- then the thing happens
- then I dissect like a pathologist
- and then I am the gatekeeper to the residual feeling, keeping them just near the surface enough to fuck with my head.
Does anyone else do this? It’s not like I don’t know how toxic this is! I can watch myself do this and tell myself to stop and yet those feeling don’t dissipate. They creep up to the surface at the most infuriating times.
For example, I have someone in my life that is having a extremely negative impact on our lives as a family. It is a very love hate relationship, and in reality my reaction to their behaviour is not wholly to do with them. Yet again the harboured feeling from another person has meant that my ability to cope with toxic control in this current situation is severely depleted.
If I had consciously let the feelings go from a historical situation, would I be so affected this time? Am I just using it as an excuse? Am I wallowing in my own shit? Oh god, I hope not!
This is opening up a whole new can of worms! 😂
So this being said, this is obviously something I need to work on! But as I am typing this, I am also wondering if my current feelings of hurt and betrayal are less legitimate now that I might be transferring some previous baggage? I don’t know.
Actually yes I do. My feelings are legitimate! Maybe my reactions aren’t? Is this what Mooji’s quote really meant? Could it be that it is not the feelings that are the problems but in reality it is the reactions to those said feelings?
Can you stop feelings occurring through cognitive therapy? Maybe, but I’m not sure that I want to stop feeling these feelings. I would like to stop showing them to everyone though! I’d love to be one of those etherial beings that float above conflict with grace and a smile, with just a hint of a smirk when they walk away. Is that an achievable goal?
Do I have the mental capacity and physical energy to walk away?
Taking a sip of coffee thinking about this has just brought a storm of exasperating memories of people who have bullied, lied, accused, betrayed me and my stubbornness has led to more pain and anguish.
Am I one of those pathetic perpetual victims?
Ouch.
More coffee…..
The small life of a mini mum 