“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking that created them” – Albert Einstein

Ah, the great man himself!

Here, Einstein points to the fact that we are the creator of our own problems, and it is only by us changing out thoughts that the problem will go away.

Sadly, for me, he is right. However much I convince myself that when others are wrong it is their problem, not mine, I have to concede that I am wrong.

The only way for other people creating problems for me to not be a problem for me is for me not to make it a problem.

In my defence though, be it the Taurus in me, or my genetic pathway, or just my stupid brain, I am generally proved to be right in the end. If someone has a problem, they come to me, we discuss, I solve it – job done. Or they come to me, we discuss, I solve it, they don’t listen, problem persists, they eventually try my solution – job done. Or, they ignore me and they continue with the problem.

If I turn this on myself though, I very rarely listen to my own solution! WTF is that? Why do I keep following the same path to the same problem? I see a problem scenario coming up towards me, I inwardly discuss which way I can handle this for a better outcome than the many failures before, but before I know it, I am following the same dumb pattern as before – dancing on the same doomed pathway – swimming the same turbulent channel – making the same fucking mistake!

Actually, that’s not quite true. In the last 7 months, there has been a few rare occasions when I have managed to turn myself into less of a self destruct button. In fact, on one occasion, I seriously impressed myself! We had a meeting with with the bank manager via conference call. I, together with the other Company Directors was present with Paul form the Bank for an annual review. This absolutely filled me with dread and anxiety for days in the run up.

1: I couldn’t see the point in the meeting as the pandemic had pretty much put the business on hold anyway. It seemed a total waste of everyone’s time.

2: We rarely, if not never need anything from the bank. We don’t need to borrow. We won’t borrow. If we can’t afford it, we don’t do it. Simple. Not great for the banks but we are not working to help them. If there is an issue with the daily running of the business from the bank’s perspective, we discuss it there and then and not wait for a review.

3: One of the directors is gunning for me at the moment. They have severely depleted my confidence on all levels – professionally, and personally. Not only did I want to be in the same room as them, I didn’t want to annihilated by them in front of the bank manager.

4. We had been informed by the above said director that they wanted to ask Paul about the possibility of a loan. (I refer back to point 2) Why would we put doubt in the mind of our bank manager that we might need help when it is clear from our accounts that this is definitely no the case!

So, we set up the meeting. We were all sat around the phone and I could feel the heavy cloud of tension. It was like a virtual drowning. I sat right back in my seat to get as much physical distance between us as I could. I knew I looked weak. I looked pathetic. I looked at myself with such disappointment that I felt sick. So I had 2 choices. I could either go a make coffees, leave them to it and give them confirmation of their personal accusations and attacks, or I could stop being such a victim and take control. And I did. I sat forward on my chair, and took control of the meeting. I answered all Paul’s questions with such depth and consistent proof of authority that the other director ended up sitting back in her chair, mirroring my previous pose. I sounded bright, intelligent and capable. I was the old me. I had “thought” myself out of the problem. Even when the meeting was closing and the said director still decided to bring up the question of a loan, I managed to steer the situation to point out the lack of beneficial debt that a loan would cause at this stage of the life of the business. Whilst I know it wasn’t a competition.

It felt so good. It was like I had poured water on the wicked witch. And whilst I thought that wicked witch was the other director I mentioned above, actually, and in reality, the wicked witch was the ineffective me – the weak me – the doubting me.

Don’t get me wrong, I have still reverted back to that person whilst we await the news as to how we are going to resume business after the pandemic lockdown. I have so many doubts as to how we can move forward safely. Staffing, cleaning, customers breaching social distancing, staff illness, and numerous other issues are spinning around in my head, loudly, and continuously in different voices, with pro’s and cons, with H&S consequences of failure, with the look of incompetence.

How do I start solve the problem of me by thinking of myself as the solution?

Or would it just be easier to just keep thinking everyone else is the problem? Just kidding! Come on kiddo – the sun is shining. Buck your fucking ideas up!

As the song says -“how do you solve a problem like Maria?” or, in my case, me?