You can listen to the crowd or you can just be yourself – Thibaut

I am a loner – there is no doubt about it. It doesn’t mean that i want to constantly be alone, but I think I have accepted that I am not the same as everyone else. The crowd is a crowd because there are multiples all together. To me that means that they have the ability to want to be around each other, and that they have similar interests and traits that allows them to interact together as one entity.

But I don’t seem to be able to do this. I have tried all my life to become one of them – and I will still try to interact with them, as I should, but boy, I don’t find it easy.

And I seem to be on a very different path to everyone else in how I do and think things and I’m not quite sure why. The majority have very different ethical boundaries. The line of what is right and wrong seems to be set at a very different height to my comfort level.

I don’t understand that if someone asks for an opinion, and I respond, it all goes tits up. Nearly every time. Well no, that’s not true. If they ask my opinion in person, one to one, then they are highly appreciative of my opinion. The discussion is lovely, progressive, informing and well, great. But if an opinion is asked of a group of us and I respond, I will give an honest opinion, however hard it is to hear, because that is what they have asked for – surely? But it seems not. Virtually every time, every one has an opinion which butters up the person asking it, or suggests doing something less than morally correct, and if I put my opinion down , it is wrong, or too truthful, of dismissed with an attitude. WTF am I not understanding?

We all have our benefits within a group, all with a purpose and an alternative dynamic. I am naturally, a straight thinking, opinionated and judgemental person. If I let myself be myself totally, I am utterly horrid. Right – but horrid. And so, as the years have gone on, I have tempered myself to be more acceptable. This not only benefits the people around me, but also myself. I am not stupid. I know that society needs moderation and that a person needs to be malleable enough to fit it in to survive.

But if you ask me for my opinion, don’t be upset if I tell you my opinion. It is, after all, only my opinion. If you choose not to listen, then that’s up to you.

This being said, I am finding myself reversing from all conversations involving opinion now. My path is following a direction of being mostly alone. This does sadden me, but I can take solace out of being able to dip in and out of interaction when I can. I love my friends, and cherish every moment I spend with them, and I appreciate them so much. I rely on their honesty, and am grateful that some of them have the guts to bring me back on track if I am swerving from the acceptable.

Being myself now means that I must temper my thoughts and behaviour and walk away from situations that will not allow me to do so. The more I don’t release my thoughts, the more anxious and depressed I become so you have become a new friend to say these things to.

So I will listen to the crowd, but I will chose to be me. Well, me without the vodka, but with a double dose of fluoxetine!